Thursday, August 21, 2014

The Thief of Joy

It's been a whirlwind again. I feel like that's a constant state in my life. I feel like I'm constantly apologizing for my lack of posts, but really this is real life. Summer is busy and I may not be able to post every week. I hope you'll understand and stick along for the ride. Also, sorry for my lack of photos. My phone has gone loco and I'm not buying a new one until the new iPhone comes out. It's a sad sad world...not really.

Anyways, work, clean, eat, run, repeat.  The truth is I'm no different than every working parent out there.  We all live crazy busy lives. We all long for the day of nothing to do and when that day comes we quickly fill it up because we can't sit still or maybe that's just me.  Even as I write this I'm listening to music, writing, and doing a project with the kiddos. It's always chaos and it's my life. It's why my running time is so important. It's truly the only time I can unplug. I can let all the thoughts, and craziness go. I've been asked why being so completely exhausted can bring clarity to my mind. The reason is because it's just me and my music, even if I'm running with Hide-a-Key, we usually end up staggered or far apart.  I can let all my worries and troubles play out. I can let the music consume me. It's my happy place.

I thought after the wedding madness that life would take a moment to breath, but the truth is it's still busy. Between photo shoots, editing, getting kids stuff ready for school, doing the normal house stuff, I still am busy and exhausted. This past weekend we took our annual family camping trip. Before we left I got up early and got a quick 9'er in, then home shower, and take the mini's to get their hair cut. B donated 9 inches of hair to locks of love. So sweet. Lil C got his fro under control. That boy has so much hair.

                            No this is not our site...just a picture for your viewing pleasure.

Then it was off to the great north woods. Full of relaxation and a break from reality. My phone decided to go psycho on me and not hold a charge anymore. (Insert sad face) But instead of stressing I embraced the unplugged weekend! No texts, FB, IG. Dare I say it was exhilarating and awesome, and I have taken a step back and refocused. There's no need for anyone to see my everyday life. It's exhausting. I know some people really like it. They feel motivated that I can fit working out into my busy schedule, but I wonder if it's also shaming.

Just follow-me here.... I post away all my workouts, my busy life and you're at home looking it. Are you motivated? Have I helped? Maybe some, but I wonder if I just get the eye roll of others.  Let's be honest it feels good when someone says "hey great job". I'm not going to lie; it makes me feel good. I work at a thankless job. I don't interact with other adults except for pick-up/drop-off. So yes, the little pat on the back is nice.

Do I continue to share this journey I'm on? Do I continue to put myself out there, knowing full well that their are so many haters and nay-sayers out there. Knowing full well that there are many people who hope I fail. Knowing full well that there will be days when I mess up and when I just don't want to do the work. It's a double-edge sword. So what do I do?

I still don't have an answer to that question. I really enjoy sharing my journey, but I don't want to feel like a have too. I also don't want to be portrayed as a narcissistic jerk either. Daily selfies can become that. It can become someone so obsessed with how they look, or how many likes they get.  I feel like the differences in mine is I really don't care what I look like. I show you the good, bad, ugly, pretty. More often than not I'm make-up free. I have breakouts, Dr. Suess character hair, sweat, fat bloaty days.  The biggest change in all of this, is not so long ago I refused to have my picture taken. It didn't matter the angle or filter. I hated the way I looked. I hated everything about me. My extra mommy pooch, my hey nancy's, my legs, hips, face. It's sad and even as I write this I tear up a bit. It's a sad realization that I felt that way, and that I did for so long. I still feel that way sometimes, but I also realize that no body is perfect. In a world of skinny apps, filters, angles, photo shop nobody is indeed perfect.

What is perfect. Perfect is what society and social media want us to believe. Tan skin, abs, muscles, skinny..just a few of the words that pop up when you type in the word perfection.  I think perfect is a myth. There is no perfect. We are constantly told we need to be better, but what if we're healthy and happy. Then we're told we're content. I'm not sure which is worse, but I do know that I will never be society's perfect.

My perfect is one where I'm happy. I'm fine with how I look yes, I may want a tummy tuck and boob lift, but not because society has told me I need it, because I want it. I want it to so the loose skin on my tummy doesn't ache when I run, so I don't have to wear a tank under a tank to keep the skin in place.  Who needs to judge me on that. Is that being a narcissist? I don't know, and it may never happen it's just on my I wish I could list.....I'm being honest. I hope that honesty isn't taken in vain.

This was hard to write. I think because when it's raw and real and in black in white for the world to see it makes it too real.  So I may step back from posting. I may post once a week.  Either way I need to do what's right for me and my journey.

Until next time
                             I'm far from perfect but I love the person I am, the husband I married, and the perfect son we have! My life is great and that's what matters most :) love u Steve and Jacob!

1 comment:

  1. This is great. We've all experienced all of this! It's scary to share, and scarier to over share. I don't want to appear self-absorbed either. And I've certainly felt shame looking at posts that are supposed to motivate me. It's tough to strike a balance. Don't go away though, please. And do post pictures from your camping trip! :)


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